Witch baby

Carl and I have given the embryo-soon-to-maybe-be-fetus its own little moniker: witch baby, after the Weetzie Bat kind (this means it's a fond moniker but it recognizes an inherent little wildness).

I mean first of all, we can't really figure out how conception occured, since the ultrasound measurements would date conception at a time that we were not in the same city nevermind other things.

Secondly, the affects on my body are wild and untamed. Yesterday I felt lousy, except when consuming Mexican food (and the two hours thereafter), not usually the most stomach-friendly cuisine. It was over Sangria (Carl's) and gingerale (mine) that we christened witch baby.

(Incidently we found a great Mexican restaurant here, Mexicali Rosa's (not a chain) and I gazed longingly upon the Sangria which looked and smelled fabulous. I had a chicken enchilada, a real one with a soft corn tortilla, and rice and beans and 'twas all yummy, yummy.)

Thirdly, we figured out that this baby has managed to torpedo all our real estate plans. The plan was to spend the spring and summer looking (and negotiating, because our house desires are so far apart as to put us in separate solar systems) and then buy in late summer as the market falls off.

However now I will be 8 months pregnant in August and this seems like a bad plan. A better plan is probably to buy in the spring market (but that's when everyone is bidding against you!).

Also we'll be buying on one salary, which we like to do anyway. But we'll really really be buying on it, and this may well complicate getting a mortgage and also what kind of a house we can afford, which means - back to the negotiating board.

We're not unhappy. Just boggled. As I said, if this baby comes out alive and healthy (perhaps even just alive), it can interfere with any real estate deals it likes to.

But still. Witch Baby! Might as well name it Lynn.

Yesterday I also ate: yoghurt, cheese, crackers, and apple
Today so far: whole wheat waffles (two) topped with strawberries (about a cup).

Ravings

I'd rave about Seabands(tm) some more but, you know. This is not supposed to be just advertising!

Yesterday I had a normal day - as normal as normal gets around here lately. I came down to work, worked a full day, went to see Anna, and went back to my parents'. I was exhausted at that point, but manageably so (i.e. not lying on the couch crying because it's so far to the bathroom).

Perhaps my body is adjusting. I was shopping for maternity clothes in a very desultory way today at lunch (this involved walking into Old Navy and walking out again) and I was thinking how this new baby is getting cheated, already.

I'm just not able to focus on this pregnancy in the same way. Oh I don't mean that I'm doing anything wrong - in fact it's easier to remember the prenatal vitamins, and to not drink caffeine, and all those things, since those habits are already established. And I mean - just 8 weeks, tomorrow. The kid doesn't even have ears yet, never mind missing out on happy anticipatory vibes. And I suppose it's somewhat natural; if I were chasing a toddler around I would not have time to lavish all kinds of energy on the kid, and the marvellous thing about biology (and nonmagical thinking) is that it doesn't really matter. Love is a necessity, but right now the only extent of it is to treat my own body with care, and that's been automatic for a while now.

(Although I do miss the giddy sense of possibility that one can drink scotch and eat chocolate for dinner and not have it be impacting on someone else; in an ideal world I would have had a bit more of that before sperm wriggled past barrier to meet egg.)

The truth is I don't really believe that there will be an actual living child at the end of this, other than perhaps a few frantic (and lifechanging) days. I'm not bonding to anything but the fact of the pregnancy (itself a surprise). I am still holding myself apart from it, walking past baby clothes as if they didn't exist and avoiding parenting books like the plague.

Some of it's still the earliness of it; there's no shared kicks or little nubby elbows.

But a lot of it is me. Having lost Emily the way we did, and then entering into the eerie world of the bereaved parent, where everyone shares their equivalent experiences, I feel like it's some kind of rarity that any babies manage to survive at all (never mind not drowning at 6, or having a car accident at 18). And I hold my own heart close. I don't really want to spend lunch hours examining baby seats or browsing attachment parenting books. I don't want to establish any patterns or fantasies that will come back to bite me in the ass later.

I still remember how great it was to hold Emily, even in the midst of all the trauma around us. But once she died that door into my heart slammed shut, and shut it remains. It will be some work to get it open again.

Fortunately nature provides quite a bit of time. Now that I'm at the start of it again, nine months seems like forever. (Seven to go, tomorrow. Perhaps.)

Seabands again

I lurves me my seabands.

I rode on the train reasonably happily. I ate fruit (yummmmm) and bread and cheese, and kept it all down. This morning I had a bagel and cream cheese and a bowl of fruit.

Sometimes breaking a cycle is as good as a vacation. I feel like I have a bit of energy.

Of course, tomorrow, people are coming in to discuss whether we have jobs still or not. I am a little bit nervous about this, but at least I won't be green while discussing it.

It could be a week of many changes.

Seabands rule

Who knew that things that look like those athletic wrist bands Olivia Newton-John used to wear would be so great?

So, I put on my seabands yesterday and I could eat dinner! I was still tired out, but the room didn't spin (much). I still felt uncertain, but not like I was going to die!

Happy me.

The downside is they are ugly and they're a little pinchy to wear, so I have to be selective about the hours I wear them. But I feel much more optimistic about the train.

I also managed to do a few chores and walk around a mall, although the mall nearly did me in. The fresh air (particularly the bits outside) were really good. Carl went skating on the canal and I was very jealous, but it was completely beyond me - you're also not supposed to skate in case of falling down, which I would do, so one of the grand joys of Ottawa is kind of off-limits. He said it was great.

I also more or less sorted out my fight with Lohr. I can be prickly sometimes.

For food I managed one pancake, orange juice, orange-apple-ginger juice, one piece of vegetarian pizza, and hmm. Something else I forget. I desperately need more fruits and veggies, although the pizza was loaded. But still.

So today I leave for Toronto. Whee.

Shandra

grossness

I continue to do penalty for not getting what morning sickness really was, in my last pregnancy, which now seems rather charmed.

Yesterday I had about 4 hours before the world spun constantly, the greater half of which were spent online in cosy goodness. I also managed to have one decent conversation and lunch. Then after that I spent most of the day staggering between bed and bathroom. I hope this peaks soon because at the moment I don't have any idea how I'm going to work next week, and work next week is all meetings with new people and MSN and basically shit you have to have makeup and a brain for. And it's scaring me quite, because the new people are the ones who will decide whether to employ me or not.

I'm definitely going to try to get out of the house today (yesterday the smells in the parking garage did me in) and get some of those seabands.

So food yesterday (horribly pathetic)
crackers
ginger everything
plain spaghetti
several bites of prime rib
one salad - romaine and tomato and parmesan <-- this was the brilliant stroke at lunch, but may have set up the afternoon
coffee crisp <-- horrid mistake made at about 7:30 while eyeing husband's food

All the white flour stuff makes me groggy. Bananas, maybe, would help?

I've already had one fight today. I can't blame hormones, either, except that they are what are constricting my life so.

shit kicked out of me

I'd like to say this kid is kicking the shit out of me, but Carl insists my body is kicking the shit out me, which is more accurate. Lohr says he's sorry for me a lot and dispenses virtual hugs, which are safer as they don't produce gagging.

Yesterday I felt really good until my shower, what I thought was shitty thereafter. Managed to get a bit of writing done, some reading, and then quite a lot of 'gaze out of the window and make desultory notes' (also writing).

Then 6 pm hit. Carl had said let's go out for dinner, and I had caved and said yes, but then he was on a call, and that led to another call, and then we agreed he would go get takeout because I couldn't move, and it was about 8 pm before anything like ordering actually happened. Then he left to get the stuff.

And all of a sudden I felt the rotation of the earth and just barely managed to make it to the bathroom and then to the bed and laid there feeling really bad for all the women in my pre-natal class with Emily who talked about morning sickness and I thought they meant what I experienced with Em, when really they meant this constant friction between solar system and stomach.

I did not, suffice it to say, eat my salad and prime rib. It's in the fridge taunting me, since I've been craving red meat, but I am Afraid.

I want to find out what I was doing differently and do that, if it's controllable. Of course I've heard it's not. But we'll see.

Don't complain about lack of symptoms.

This sprout is so obliging. I went to shower and read a bit of Wharton and then wham, I could smell everything in the apartment - the bit of mustard left on the plate, the cats, the coffee Carl left - and my stomach completely revolved.

I am now in a haze of nausea.

Lemon ginger tea would be nice, if only I could manage the smells in the kitchen to make it.

I am still suffering from what I could call tiredness but at this point I suspect is something more akin to sloth; a kind of ennui and lack of oomph that has thus far (it is 10 am) contributed to my not getting dressed yet, and reading more Edith Wharton than is good for anyone on a writing-day morning. Those idle rich!

I have a surprisingly even stomach this morning and have gleefully consumed two waffles with the apple/tropical fruit sauce (it's like applesauce) -and- tried one of the new tofu burgers, and the new tofu burgers are so good and protein-y that I may even down another one, at 144 calories a pop. Plus mustard.

When I was pregnant with Emily breakfast was my big, but fairly quiet shame. I wasn't sharing an office then and I would eat breakfast at home, and then on my way to work buy another one - a great big one, often, or a strange assortment of things - and eat it all before 10. And then lunch. And then starting about three my appetite would drop and eating dinner was a struggle. It was actually probably pretty healthy, but strange , to consume most of my food before one o'clock.

This may be more the fascination with tofu; I can't believe yesterday's samosa set off a tofu craving, but it did. Maybe I need the iron. Maybe Lyr's eating again. Maybe it just is mnn so yummy when done the way I like it, which is really firm with lots of interesting spices.

Of course feeling good makes me worry again that we are going hormonally in the wrong direction, but everything is clear, no cramps, and big breasts continue, so. Nous verrons. That's we'll see but I put it in French for variety.

I can't even conceptualize a baby right now; sometimes I feel like that was the big mistake with Emily, assuming that she would actually, you know, come home. It's all about protein and fruit and vegetables and this vague sense of purpose. And lack of caffeine.

I really just want to spend the day on the couch in front of trashy television. My first season set of The L-word beckons to me, except I suspect it's not as much fun as it was back when I was a size 12 aiming for ten and drinking a single, restrained, glass of scotch in front of it. Because the women are all so thin and gorgeous. Whereas I feel rather like a blob at the moment.

So, what I am really going to do for hormones & me is get dressed Real Soon Now and then set off with a story draft for somewhere else - preferably all the way at the Rideau Centre, since that's a good healthy walk there and back - and settle in somewhere with something hot to drink and some snack and write. Oh yes.

Hmmm where did I get to last night on the food?

I had an apple and about 2 oz of cheddar for a snack
For dinner I had two chicken thighs (boneless, skinless) and roast potatoes, onions, and carrots.

I should really say what these are. They were lemon-greek seasoned roast veggies, and oregano-balsamic vinegar chicken. The pork chops the night before were dijon-red wine vinegar marinated.

Shandra

Breathing space

Today the nausea is not so bad, and I am just accepting that rather than trying to make some fuss over it. It's nice to not have to give 10% of my attention at any one time to not throwing up. I am venturing out for a walk today and some minor shopping and may see if any place close by has seabands and see if they work.

I really don't remember feeling this bad with Emily, but it may just be that I was too busy to notice. I do remember having to get off the subway 3 times a trip. But I have a theory that maybe walking more would help process the chemicals better, and that I was doing that more at that time.

No more spotting either so far; in fact everything has been as clear as one would like. So that's good. Hopefully this trend will continue.

I did spend some time yesterday looking at my new Emily album that Carl's sister made for me for Christmas, and crying, and missing her. It was all in a healthy way, I think, and I'm glad to have taken time for that.

I also cried at a Saturn commercial, which I attribute entirely to hormones.

My stomach continues its light-speed expansion and today I am wearing one of the maternity tops I wore during Emily's pregnancy and it's actually okay. I wasn't sure how I would feel about these clothes and I was prepared to toss them and start over, but no. I don't need to erase it and so far it's not unusually triggering.

In actual weight I have gained not a pound, but I fear I am losing muscle (another reason for some walking).

Yesterday's continued food:
more crackers, more gingerale
one serving apple-tropical fruit sauce (no sugar added)
one half cup blueberries mixed with one half cup cottage cheese
one pork chop
one and a half cups of Asian mix veggies
one slice chocolate cake (bad, again)

Today so far:
two whole-wheat toaster waffles (you can see Carl shopped in here but yum, good choice)
one serving apple-tropical fruit sauce on waffles
two ounces of medium cheddar cheese
two glasses of apple-cranberry juice (no sugar added)
NO gingerale; go me.

First trimester blues

If/when this trimester ends I'll be glad.

Right now I'm truly exhausted despite having slept about 10 hours last night. I remember a few days like this with Emily, but this seems worse somehow. Of course I just had the year from hell and last week was extremely stressful, living with my parents. So I give me a pass. I'm not exercising overly this week (although I will go for some walks) and if the spotting stays stopped from this morning, after a week I'll return to aquafit. It's a waste of a pass this month, but them's the breaks.

I know exercise might help, if it were mild and gentle, but honestly crawling from the bedroom to the table to work to the couch seems herculean. Last night I didn't go to bed for an hour because it seemed too far - down the hall.

This is not unusual in the first trimester, though, so I don't take it as the end of the world. Although for me, the energy whiz kid, it sort of is.

The gingerale I'm drinking for the nausea probably is not helping to keep energy on an even keel so one of my goals for tomorrow if not today (today it's snowstorming and I'm working) is to get some real ginger from which to brew ginger tea. This will also help in preventing gestational diabetes. But right now Carl is being the man and bringing home all the gingerale for us to the glee of system children and we are drinking it.

(Did I mention I'm nauseous all the time? And hungry. Both. I need seabands or something. And yes I'm eating the small carb-laden meals.)

I had very minor spotting this morning, but awful cramps for about an hour - the kind that make breathing an issue. I really thought for sure that would herald a big showy miscarriage, but nothing so far. From what I remember of other miscarriages, they were all showy right along with the cramps, and the cramps lasted until they served the purpose of expelling the showy bits. These cramps just went away.

It's too bad they don't have personal ultrasounds so one can just check in. I am trying to keep my plaintive "please tell me it's alive!" to one every other week, so this week I'll tough it out unless I see red (literally). Plus, I don't have a doctor here yet really.

It will be easier once you can get a heartbeat, because they do have personal dopplers, although I'm not sure renting one is really all that good an idea. Something to discuss with the nurse in my Mt. Sinai intake interview.

Okay, food yesterday:

Crackers on and off all day (about 30 total; these are 7-grain and are 60 cals for 8, so not too bad)
Popcorn, one bag of light
3 clementine oranges
One serving-ish (about half a cup) cottage cheese mixed with olives and tomatoes
One croissant fetched fresh from bakery (bad, but it was a morning gift)
Mini-carrots, about 10
One bowl of homemade chicken stew: chicken thighs, potato, carrot, zucchini, onion, garlic, tomatoes, black beans
2 slices of 7-grain sunflower bread (also fetched fresh)
Copious amounts of gingerale (less than one litre)
Peppermint tea
one warm milk with a bit of chocolate sauce - ok, hot chocolate :)

Today to date:
crackers
slice of 7-grain bread with cheddar cheese
2 clementine oranges
herbal berry tea
gingerale

Food the day before (a little fuzzy):
Crackers
One serving cottage cheese
several clementines
Two bowls vegetable soup
One bowl chicken stew (see above)
Popcorn

I need more veggies and apples. Darn, I will have to go out today.

Shandra

Tired out

I'm wiped out, which I chose to take as a good sign. No more spotting, but cramps. Again, we'll see.

The fucker next store is smoking something that smells to me like pot again. I sooo don't want to move, but I can't see inhaling this stuff right now. I'm not sure what a compromise would be. I might talk to the building manager and just see what they've done in the past. It's freeeeezing here today which makes windows for us or balconies for them not a good solution.

But I'll go read - ha - probably fall asleep - in the bedroom, which is furthest away, and see what tomorrow brings.

Shandra

P.S. He is a fucker for other reasons (we hear his phone calls with his ex), not because of the pot. It's the yelling that makes me not willing to just approach him.

Fuck, take two

So much for nighttime hormones.

More spotting - a little heavier (bad), but still the happy colour (brown). It could be the kid burrowing in niiiiiice and snug. Or it could be the beginning of the end.

The stress today is large; my company's being taken over and I, the lone telecommuter, may be axed. But we'll see. I'm going to eat clementine oranges, relax as much as possible, do loads of work in case anything happens, and enjoy the sun streaming in.

First trimester sleep

I had forgotten about first-trimester sleep; that deep, fertile babymaking sleep where you sink down into the dark and it's so far to awake. I slept like that from about 9 pm to 1:30 am, at which point something hormonal happened and I woke up nauseous, with a headache, and massive, tender, hot breasts. Maybe we were getting through the gestational sac; who knows.

Down in that dark I found the real Lyria. Oh, she's been around now and then but not often in full force, and it was strange to touch her like that in a dream. Bright and flighty, both. Being multiple can sometimes cut you off from dreams, and sometimes you walk through everyone's, feeling them having the dream, feeling them monitoring our body. Usually I sleep shallowly, but not last night.

This morning I do feel rather sick to my stomach. I should catch up on the mundane but it's the quality of the sleep that stays with me this morning, as if I could walk down through the collective unconscious forever.

Shandra

Happy happy

The hormones went up more from Monday and everything came back a-ok.

Phew.

This is a good-news day and I have gotten some time with people I love. I am feeling one thousand times better.

Good news

Saw the baby's heartbeat on the ultrasound and it didn't seem like anything was wrong, although the technician is not supposed to tell you. My doctor hasn't called yet; probably she doesn't have all the results yet.

But she didn't seem reluctant to show us or anything, although a bit reserved, after I told her about the spotting. Well, and Emily. Second pregnancy, etc. etc. I keep having to answer that question.

It was really just a blur mostly though, this dark roundness that is my uterus, a gestational sac, a highly magnified blur with a moving heartbeat-blur. Hard to believe that becomes a person, even a small person like my Emily.

However she (she's a she right now, although that may change) is only 6 weeks 1 day old, from the length of her vestigial tail. So clearly I ovulate on some very strange schedule, but that's okay. However it does make me a bit nervous because it puts the statistics back on the bad side for the possibility of a miscarriage and I don't feel ready to go through more loss right now.

The house did close today, so that's one loss, but also a relief.

Shandra

Storm or sunshin

The spotting calmed down and I saw my GP. She took another blood test but said it might not be any help - if the betas are still going up (and they were really quite high on Monday) that will be a good sign. If they've totally dropped off the face of the chart, then it's not a viable pregnancy. But if they've just gone down a bit, well, this is around when they might peak anyway, so it wouldn't be a sign one way or another.

She did an exam and found no fresh blood at all, so that was good.

And tomorrow's ultrasound will be informative, although of course she won't necessarily get the results right away. Tomorrow will be quite a day - we'll find out if we get the money for the house, and we could find out that the pregnancy is not viable.

I feel a little stressed. I didn't go in to work but I will go to therapy - she said if there's blood now and it is a miscarriage, that it already happened. It's not like later where you might get put on bedrest (although I'm not to lift heavy things, etc.)

I also feel like - oh, I don't know. With Emily I felt just about as protective and losing her during the pregnancy would have been awful. Like falling off a tightrope into a net that would suck and burn. But this time I feel like there's no net. I'm not quite sure what I mean, but there it is.

I should do some food stuff, in hopes of something.

Yesterday: Breakfast - yoghurt, whole wheat bagel, bowl of fruit
Lunch: Mango-chicken salad and tofu-peppers salad
Dinner: Chicken breast, salad, veggies
Snack: small bag of, yes, corn chips. Bad.
Mango juice, milk, one hot chocolate, and water of course

Today so far: half a yoghurt, apple, bran muffin
Lunch: BLT, coleslaw, extra t-yummy

Fuck

Spotting and cramping. I don't know why I thought just because Emily went to term this wouldn't happen.

Death seems to be what I'm good at, some days. Although it's not over yet, but we'll see.

Carl, of course, had to go to Ottawa last night.

Bloodwork

Tests came back a-ok. Unlike all the infertility blogs out there I did not get exact hcg numbers for your viewing pleasure, but it is a baby in there - not a tumour.

Investments

I bought a maternity outfit, so I'm sure I'll miscarry tonight. Well, obviously not, but sometimes it seems like investing anything would do it. Of course I have already invested in maternity vitamins and fancy sparkling juice to go in my wine glass, so it was too late already.

I spent $34, and got chocolate-coloured pants and a tan faux-swede wrap top. It's a little decolete for work, so I'll pair it with some kind of mock turtleneck shirt. I have a meeting tomorrow for which I have to look a bit more than business casual, and I'm down to two pairs of non-yoga-esque pants that fit, and zero blazers that do. I purged my wardrobe of fat clothes a little too effectively, and although I *do* intend to pull the maternity wear out of storage, pronto, the thing is that everyone at work saw me in those clothes all the time and might well gaze upon my belly wonderingly.

And, frankly, I wanted something that doesn't pull when I sit down. And it was on sale. So there. It does look a little loose, but nothing about it screams pregnant, and I think I like it quite a bit, despite it not being the requisite black.

Haunting the maternity shop was interesting; the staff thankfully did not recognize me (why should they; plus my hair is red now). But I was asked whether I wanted $400 in samples from Huggies and Similac and whatever. Aha! I said yes last time! I found the source of the diapers that keep showing up in my mail crowing about the next stage of life for my dead baby!

I said no. I did not elaborate on why.

No word from the doctor yet but the ultrasound is booked for Friday, the one that shows either a blob with a beating heart, or no blob (or it could show two blobs, but I think we're safe from that).

I feel a weird combination of nauseous and hungry, and I was craving junk food (which I did last time), but resisted.

Breakfast: two slices of whole-wheat toast, glass of milk, bowl of fresh fruit from deli
Lunch: chicken and vegetable stir-fry with rice
Snack: saltine crackers, thus far; one cup of hot chocolate
edit to add: Dinner: one farmer's pie (potatoes, onions, cheese all stacked yummy), salad, garlic bread, gingerale, and two onion rings stolen from Carl's plate

Quick stuff

Oh yeah, today is my birthday. I'm not so big on birthing-days this year. Wonder why. Feh.

Kissed my picture of Emily a hundred times today.

I saw my doctor and she was reservedly happy. She drew blood, so we'll get official word tomorrow-ish, and get an ultrasound on Friday to see the heart, at least. I never had an 8 week ultrasound before and apparently you just see a blob. That's okay. I'm not sure I'm ready for anything else.

Breakfast: yoghurt, milk, crackers
Snack: crackers, whole wheat bagel (err - yeah), one chocolate
Lunch: beef schwarma, grilled veggies, lentils and rice
Snack: birthday cake
Dinner: pasta (I am getting sick of pasta) with a low-fat cheese sauce and broccoli, salad, a handful of tortilla chips, and soon-to-have birthday cake
Mood: Up and down, sad about Emily, annoyed with my mum, stressed at work, sort of a mishmash of too many things happening. I hardly know where I live and what I'm doing, this week.

Need more juice

Walked about 30 min total; not great. This week will be bad for these things, sigh.

House closes Friday.

Shandra

Doctors

I'm now in Toronto and I've got an appointment with my GP for 3:15 this aft. Now I'll have to explain my absence from work with some excuse, but, oh well. Now I can get a blood test to see if all three pregnancy tests were right, and maybe schedule an ultrasound.

Yesterday I was nauseous enough to not worry so much about not feeling overly preggers. Let's see:

Breakfast: crackers and an apple
Lunch: hummus, whole wheat bread, red pepper/broccoli/mini carrot bits
Snack on the road: mixed nuts (no peanuts), an apple, crackers
Copious amounts of gingerale so as not to throw up on the road
Dinner: Chicken breast, broccoli, cauliflower, potato, more gingerale

Exercise: basically none (sigh)
Mood: zoned out mostly, fairly okay until the night. One brief sniffly period when I was reuinited with Emily's things.

The sofa bed sucks and I had to go to the bathroom about _8_ times (hello, hormones), and I dreamed that I was really 5 months pregnant and I asked the doctor about all the periods I'd had before missing one and she said it was all the dead babies coming out.

experimentation

Yesterday I did indeed go to low-impact aquafit (how you do high-impact aquafit is a little beyond me) and it was fun. It was mostly fat older women in the class, and that made me feel fit and trim. Yes, that's a little pathetic, but it was still nice.

I had a few moments of wistfulness, since that used to be us and Emily time, aquafit, and I miss her so. Nothing is a substitute (and I wouldn't want anything to be). But since I was exercising it was manageable wistfulness.

For dinner I had: leftover tortellini, more raw veggies, a piece of baklava, and later on I had a warm milk.

Then my mood really crashed and burned. I wasn't tired (the exercise may have helped) and I wasn't nauseated and my nipples did not hurt. By 10:30 at night I decided there was no way I was pregnant and cried and cried. (That this was moodiness did not occur to me.) I felt really really down, like everything I touch dies and that it's all hopeless.

Then I slept for hours.

This morning I decided to try an experiment and not eat crackers in bed in the morning and not be good, and have raw veggies and dip for breakfast. And now I feel sick and have a dry mouth and a hormonal headache.

So it seems ok. I may get a pregnancy test anyway just to see the thing come up positive.

I can't wait to have a bloodtest Monday and then maybe an ultrasound towards the end of the week, to find out if there really is a baby in there. That would help.

Obsessions

The Internet is the worst place for anyone fearful and obsessed, like me. I just wasted hours on looking into miscarriages and finding out my belly can't possibly be baby-growth (gas? Mysterious weight gain?) and basically driving myself into a frenzy.

Fortunately soon I leave to go out and chat and then go to aquafit and perhaps soon I can get my head in gear to write the book I definitely have to finish now before all this baby stuff gets in the way (it has already, comments someone) and stop obsessing.

Breakfast: hummus and bread and an apple
Snack: one piece of baklava (addition to the belly)
Lunch: pita bread (white again, sigh) with lentil spread, red peppers, broccoli, mushrooms, and a small amount of mozarella cheese)
Peppermint tea

No nausea or anything. Sigh.

P.S.

Although my stomach is still big. It's crazy big. Dressing in nice clothes for dinner, *I* definitely thought I looked pregnant, which didn't happen last time until about 4 months.

feelings

This morning I don't feel as pregnant, again. So I'm all anxious that the baby's stopped growing. I read that can happen and you don't actually bleed/etc. for weeks afterwards, which didn't reassure me.

I don't remember worrying this much with Emily. I guess I feel like if something goes wrong with this baby, that's it, game over.

Yesterday:
Breakfast: apple, and a piece of whole wheat toast with cashew butter
Snack: kashi (7-grain) crackers, warm milk
Lunch: chicken soup (canned, salty, with spinach added in) and one piece of whole wheat toast with cheese
Dinner (party): raw broccoli, carrot, red pepper, and mushroom with evil spinach dip; hummus and white pita; white-flour tortellini with red pepper-tomato sauce; small slice of chocolate torte with strawberry sauce
Exercise: walking to market and back (augh)
Mood: The phone call brought back all the stuff around labour with Emily and I felt very anxious a lot of the day; I also was a little bitchy and out of sorts, until the evening. Then I brightened up for the dinner, and had good conversation. I did feel torn, watching a mum with her 8 month old - half loss, over Emily. Half almost-but-not-quite daring to hope. I went to bed feeling okay and slept right through from 10-6:30.

Notes from the phone call

I talked to DH (initials of coordinator) at Mt. Sinai, and she said that I should call her next week, and should set up an apt with my family doctor, get an 8 wk ultrasound (I might have to stay in Toronto, or maybe we could squish it by getting it Fri?, or get it up here?) and then she has to call the clinic to book a 11-12wk NT ultrasound. From there I can get taken into the clinic. I will also need my MD to do a family history and also get them copies of the chart from the hospital (no problem.)

But I still have to call DH next week. That was a little confusing, but I allowed it to stay confused. The main things are clear, and we can go from there.

I also have to start a journal (ha!) about my feelings and what I eat and exercise and things, so I think I will - gasp - do that here.

I liked her, but there were a few warning signs. The confusion was one, but I partly chalk that up to having jumped the referral queue. The other was that she told me that they would get me a healthy baby. That's a pretty big statement.

So we'll see.

Stepping onto the ledge

This morning I have an hour call with the gatekeeping administrator at Mt. Sinai. The referral chain was a friend of my mum's contact's contact. So it's a little crazy. But all I want is in.

Well no. That's the thinking I had last time. This time I have more of an idea what I would like to ask, myself. I'm preparing to have to go through what happened last time (exaggerating the low gain in pregnancy slightly, so as to be thought a little higher risk). And then I want to know how they manage care, testing, and most of all, delivery. Because I am going to need someone who's willing to be there all the way, whether that's a c-section or a vaginal delivery.

This team has social workers and psychologists that specialize in loss and infertility and a NICU and if you have a high-risk pregancy in Toronto you usually end up there, and so from all accounts they are the elite. So it will be interesting to see how I'm treated.

The thing is, I have no faith in the medical system at all. I haven't written an account of Emily's birth here yet, but the summary is - I pushed for over three hours, with no doctor in sight. The nurses said keep going, so we did. For the last hour, the chart showed that her heart was in trouble. They ignored it. She came out flat, they revived her, she was ultimately transferred to Sick Kids, she died. *I* was pretty much ignored for the 24+ hours I remained in hospital, and nurses said highly inappropriate things to me. (Example: maybe you aren't built to deliver a baby - note that the problem was never my hips. She didn't come out because she had the cord around her neck twice tethering her.)

Oh yes, I have some trouble with trust here.

I would like to set up an appointment for next week. We'll see how it goes.

Publishers take note

(I do like Pregnancy after loss so any comments exclude that book.)

I looked at pregnancy magazines yesterday. They seem designed for the novice, which I was last time. Newborn pictures! The Truth About Labor! (Somehow, I think, probably did not cover it.) I didn't notice. I was the target audience.

I'm not, any more.

I'm not new at this. I still find pictures of adorable newborns bring to mind the image of my daughter, perfect in every way except for the lack of oxygen that killed her brain and other organs. This basically eliminates the pregnancy line of products - www.BabyCenter.com among them (although I still look at their week-by-week stuff) - because they presume that you're a new mum. Presumably a second time around mum has no time to be perusing magazines for the latest in maternity tops and doesn't need a manual.

(What to expect when you're expecting is probably the least offensive, except that I can't forgive that book for a) freaking me out about everything except what happened, and b) this may well be faulty memory and it is in storage but it seems to me that's the book that said if you weren't back to your old self in six weeks you should seek major therapy.)

What I really need is a pregnancy book that doesn't presume a live birth at the end of it, and that seems an impossible thing to find.

So I offer some sample paragraphs of what could be.

Nutrition
You need to consume all the good things in the right amounts and avoid the bad things completely (see lists below for details). If you don't, bad things may happen to your baby, should the baby happen to survive the delivery. Also, people don't like to see a pregnant woman in a bar or at McDonalds, and peer pressure can help you to keep your head on straight.

Pre-natal classes
You can take pre-natal classes. They will tell you everything about delivery except what you need to know, but they eat up a good 20 hrs of time between now and when you'll know if all your work is worth it or not. For bonus points, raise your hand in class and ask what "cerebral palsy" is and how it relates to labour.

Hmmm.

No, that's a little snarky.

But I still think I'll pass on that subscription to Fit Pregnancy. Fit for what?

Shandra

Being pregnant is taking a lot of energy - chasing doctors, sleeping. I'm not sure how much will be left for lawyers and it makes me feel - really guilty, like I'm neglecting Emily for this new thing. Carl says life is for the living, and was never that keen on suing anyway. But I don't know. We need to decide pretty quick now.

I was nauseous this morning and it seemed impossible to get up, but now I don't feel especially preggers, except my breasts. They hurt a lot.

By the end of the day, 5 people called me yesterday with referrals to doctors of one kind or another. I felt both smothered and supported.

Fuck

I fell on my ass while getting a walk in. It was bound to happen - Ottawa sucks at clearing sidewalks.

So far so good and after all - ass. All that fat comes in handy. But it made me scared, and then I had to confront my feelings that I want this baby. Which of course means it won't happen.

What a mess.

I have a call with Mt. Sinai scheduled for Thurs am - I managed to jump the referral queue, I think - friend of my mum's friend, sort of deal. We'll see but I'm glad.

Shandra

Freak out

Yesterday I got off work early and walked - good for the legs and circulation - bought a scale, and also went to get my one-month unlimited aquafit pass. I can't start today 'cause today's class is 3-4 and I have work, but tomorrow's is 5-6, so I'll start there. I'm going to try to go 4 times a week minimum.

Then I came back, got on the scale, and flipped out - it said 188! Which would be more at definitely overweight than the low end of overweight. I really freaked and cried for an hour (welcome to hormone city). My husband tried many things, including calling his mother, who's a nurse, but I was just having a sulk. Actually it was sheer fear that if I'm overweight, therefore anything that happens is my fault.

This is in part because the lawyers for Emily's case, whom I have not called back, said that if I were heavy when I got pregnant there would be no recourse because it would have been a high-risk pregnancy. That was their first question.

But I calmed down after a while, and this morning Carl pointed out that the cheap scale I bought was not at 0 to start. It was, in fact, ten lbs over. So phew. Still, as I said yesterday before buying the scale, a little heavier than I would want to be but not unhealthy.

I still will probably go over 200 lbs in this pregnancy, for the first time in my life, and that will be a moment. (With Emily, I hit 197 lbs.) But I am glad it was 10 lbs off. And I think I'll go find a scale at a gym and use that one.

But in any case it was also realizing the reality of this pregnancy. Not just as something that might end in miscarriage, but that might end in a baby. And labour, or a c-section. And all that responsibility again. And the possibility that it might result in someone being sick, or dying. Again.

I dreamed of Emily, but she was alive, and we were moving into a house by a lake. And she had a brother.

Shandra

Today's observations

My belly, which hadn't gotten back to normal - I got down to a 12 and then, due to the holidays, moving stress, and sloth, ended up back at a 14 (I'm 5'8") - has expanded so rapidly it makes me nervous. Probably this is because there's now a growing uterus beneath the sagging fat. But I think I'm starting to look pregnant at 5 weeks! What does this bode for the future? Last time people still couldn't tell easily right up until the last month or so, and I carried small.

I really wish I hadn't bounced back in weight. I know it's probably not a huge deal; I'm nowhere near obese, more at the low end of overweight. But I would rather have been fighting-fit.

~~

I'm not having so much morning sickness today which makes me panic that a miscarriage is imminent. I do want this to work out, now that it's begun.

~~

I think for Toronto doctors I want to aim for delivery at Mt. Sinai. They are supposed to be the crack hospital, and have a NICU right there (although I did like Sick Kids' NICU). It seems impossible we'll get there, but if we do, that's where I want to be.

This raises the specter of the c-section. That's what my former ob recommended to me, since last time I pushed for 3 hours and was strangling my baby. Of course she also said she didn't think the nurses did anything wrong. I don't trust her. But I don't know what's right, and beyond that, I don't know how we could ever go through labour again. And yet a c-section sort of scares me.

~~

I feel like I have to do everything exactly right, which is no different from last time. I've already had 4 servings of fruit, 2 veggie, two protein, 4 grain today. I need a bathroom scale to confront.

~~

About 8 blocks away there are aquafit classes almost every day - depending on the day, from 5-6, 0r 3-4. Well weekends, no. I think I will aim for 4-5 a week, and get my pass today. It scares me how little I need to walk working from this tiny apartment. No stairs, no walking to work - bad. It's also very icy in Ottawa and they don't seem to care or clear the sidewalks. Makes it a little challenging.

~~

I'm scared, but I don't know of what. More pain and suffering, I guess.

Shandra

The test reads positive

Hey belly. (I promise they won't all be in this format.)

It's been a long time since I had anything to say to you other than good healing job, and ew, jiggly bits. I'm still not sure what I think about you. You produced an incredibly beautiful kid last time. Too bad about messing up where the umbilical cord went. Still, the incredibly beautiful kid went far.

That positive sign on the pregnancy test was probably ill timed. I mean in 2004 I had and lost a daughter, potentially now an older sister. I saw my husband leave to work 5 hours away, went to a real writer's workshop and confirmed that I should be writing, cleaned out/renovated/listed our house instead, went through ups and downs on the market, sold it, and moved into a half-settled existence between an apartment hotel and my parents' home. I was sort of looking for a break there for a month or two, you know?

I'm still not sure exactly when sperm met egg. For all I know at this point, it's some bizarre hormonal thing anyway - no guarantees. Two positive pregnancy tests and not even a blood test yet.

But still. When I saw it, I can't deny that I had the sense that maybe, after this year of everything going wrong, something was going right.

So I congratulate you, uterus, on getting those hormones in gear.

And are they ever. I've been nauseated and tired - the tiredness was why I retested, actually. My period was late, and Christmas morning I peed on the stick, and it was negative. So why I did it again on Wednesday morning last week, I'm not sure. On Saturday I watched and felt my breasts swell up.

I'm looking for a doctor up here, and making an appointment in Toronto to see my GP. So belly, you'll get your own care again.

And we'll see what you've got in there exactly.

Shandra

Introductions

Who are we? We are a multiple system (as in multiple personality).

If you knew us casually you would know us as an almost 34 year old woman, married to Carl, living partly in Ottawa (where Carl is working) and partly in Toronto (previously at our home, but it's sold - it's slated to close on January 14, so now with our parents). We are a writer by vocation and an editor by profession - 3 days a week, ever since our daughter died in March and we came back from maternity leave. We're also finishing our first novel, and sending out short stories from time to time. No big break into the world of fiction publishing yet.

You can find out more about us at http://www.multiplicity.ca

Mostly I have the compulsion to write public things, so my name's Shandra. Hey. :)

What's this blog about? Mostly a pregnancy, and pregnancy-after-loss journal. I'm sure other things will seep in. I have another journal in another spot; leave a comment if you want to know where it is.

Why? Why write anything? I'm compulsive that way. This journal's separate partly because I don't yet want my coworkers who read my other journal to know that I'm pregnant yet, and partly because I wished I had documented my pregnancy better the last time.

Our first baby, Emily Hope