Not a good thing (tmi)

I had spotting yesterday. It was fairly mild, the happy colour, and happened (or at least was discovered) just before I got on the train - nothing since. It was a tough decision, get on the train, or turn around, but I opted for the train and I'm glad since nothing horrible happened.

My nurse doesn't work on Fridays, but I do have an after hours pager number. However, I'm not sure this is to that level - if it's "old" blood - brown - then whatever caused it is usually several days old, unless it's joined by new (pink/red) blood. I suspect that if it's not just little blood vessels in the cervix getting jostled (and I wasn't doing any cervix jostling of which *I* am aware) it was probably something to do with the stupid thing I did Tuesday, which was hauling heavy garbage cans around to the front of my parents' house.

So I'm playing doctor and putting myself on restrictions - walking ok; lifting not okay, and I'll talk to my nurse on Monday, as long as nothing else happens. If it does I'll call the after-hours number and probably head to emerg here. I hate these decisions. But I'm glad I have all the numbers. And I think as long as nothing new happens, this is the right decision. If I were in Toronto I might go in just to hear the heartbeat and be reassured, but given that I'm up in Ottawa, I think I won't, unless I get more upset. I reserve the right to change my mind. :)

I really did sort of freak out, in my understated way, on the train. I was pretty alone, and I didn't really want to go into details on my cell with everyone around listening, but I finally did go hide near the baggage and call Carl, who was in a meeting (at 7:30 pm, sigh, but he went out into the hall and reassured me). I realized that it's too late in terms of not-caring; if I lose this baby even now, before feeling movement or anything, it will still hurt - and be awfully final. Two in a row would just about do me in at this point.

So then I freaked out about the thyroid (increased risk of miscarriage and stillbirth) and how this pregnancy just doesn't seem to be going right and I'm not sure if that's just 'cause my body's a little beaten down or if it's a forecast of doom, and then I freaked out that I was stressing my body out freaking out. For the first time ever while pregnant I seriously considered a drink to calm down, but I have such a heavy do not drink feeling about pregnant women that I didn't.

I did, however, ask the steward (first class is nice for this; thank you fate for the sale on it this month) if it would be possible to get a milk microwaved, and I am sure he didn't want to, but I asked nicely and said I was really sorry about it but I was pregnant and stressed out by my day and it would make all the difference to me.

So he did. Truth works, sometimes. And that simple gesture plus the tryptophan (or whatever it is) in the hot milk did some of the trick. I also had an excellent (for travel fare) meal and ended up dozing for the last 45 minutes of the trip.

Today I feel okay; a little bit like I'm back in the more fear-filled place than the calmer daring to be a little hopeful place. But I'm so glad to be back in my own space, where it's not all cluttered and full of bad history. And I have today off and although I planned to write, I think I am mostly just taking it easy.

Shandra