Taking it easy / possible TMI

Today I've taken it easy; part of this is having Lyria around more, who is calmer. And part of it is just I think sort of that yesterday was upsetting. And I'm feeling lazy. I need to work harder on getting this book done, but today it's just far away.

It is also a high hormone day: yesterday I failed to note that my boobs don't fit into even *maternity* tops with buttons (the dreaded Gap appears). But today they've surpassed themselves by producing a tiny bit of milk! Whoa, girls! You're 5 months early. Watch them have trouble then.

(My own theory is that they are still all upset about pumping and never getting anywhere the first time.) However not letting the ducts get infected would be a good thing to do. However one does that. I'll take warm showers twice a day for now and see about then.

I had a dream last night that I had two babies, much to everyone's surprise as there was only one on the ultrasound, and one was Emily. It wasn't a terrible dream but it made me feel rather bereft -and- anticipatory at once.

I am also feeling guilty today 'cause I haven't eaten any lentils yet. I mean, I plan to, at dinner, but the broader thing is that I'm just a *little* less perfect about food this time around; I just don't have the same groundedness under every food choice.

On the other hand, what I have been eating is higher quality organic stuff, so it may even out.

But I still feel guilty. Mother guilt is such a strange thing, and I seem to be in a heightened position of it because despite my brain, I still feel like I failed Emily so badly in my heart. I'm reading The Mother Dance to try to start working this stuff out before it becomes acute. While looking at under-the-mattress monitors.

When it comes to baby shopping I can't do it. I don't really need to, since we have most everything - we don't have a change table as we were going to use a built-in in Emily's room, and we had a change pad for her (the scoopy kind that has a belt) but we used that in her coffin. And we don't have the under-the-mattress monitor, 'cause I thought that was over the top, before. Otherwise we have everything, even diapers and (if they survive in the packaging) wipes. We kept all those things, neatly labelled - well the diapers and such we were going to donate to a shelter and then at the last moment just stuck them in storage instead.

Still, I can't help but think of the time I spent cruising eBay and all kinds of stores thinking of Emily, and this kid instead gets the fleeting search on "angelcare" and then a rush of fear. It seems unfair to the poor tyke. Maybe at some point I'll get superfluous stuff, just to have done so for this baby. Or the later things we never got (swing/jumper, high chair).

18 weeks along, we are now, or just about. Close to halfway. It seems like forever in some ways.