Alien!

This morning the baby was positioned so that all the kicking and stretching was going on right at the front, across my belly. (Witch baby celebrates each morning with about an hour of activity; as soon as voices and light start happening, whee, it's playtime. It's a very reassuring way to start each day.)

It may be that this kid has more room, or position, or it may be that my abs are more shot, but it was amazing how visible the moves were, at 25 weeks. My whole belly was rippling and jumping and at one point both Carl and I could see a knee or a foot or something, sticking right out.

Spooky. I also noticed my stretchmarks have stretchmarks. Ah well, I wasn't planning to wear a bikini ever again.

It's funny how babies seem to come with personalities so early, even in the womb. I know intellectually that how much a baby moves inside doesn't relate to how s/he will be on the outside, but *despite* that I still end up thinking things like "oh this baby seems pretty sensitive to light and sound, how will we make it cosy for him/her?" or "wow this kid is a bugger" when I get kicked incessantly for 2 hours between 9 and 11 and it's bothering me.

And I'm glad this baby's so active because it reassures me constantly that things are okay in there, at least as okay as anyone can tell from out here. So I admit to thinking from time to time "phew, thank you."

(We definitely need a bouncy chair. We hadn't gotten one yet, at least I don't remember that we had one. And/or maybe a swing. We'll see.)

The hard part though is that I miss Emily. I suppose I'm glad I am, too. But her movements were so different: swoopy rolls, different patterns. And oddly I project a personality onto her from that too, a sleepy, quiet baby. Well that may be because she was, her poor body wrecked and drugged out. (oooooh that makes me lose it) Except the ventilator: she fought that thing enough that alarms went off all the time, because she wanted to breath her own breaths.

I accept, at times, that this missing piece will always be there. But each little nuance of it comes as a surprise.

Our families are interesting too: they are all holding back preparations for this baby. No one really wants to invest their heart completely, until things are okay. I understand that, but it is a big difference. A more muted celebration for now: I suspect things will burst out all over later. I hope so.