Dear witch baby

I love how you wriggle and squirm at the sound of my voice. In the night I woke up and you weren't moving and I went into the bathroom and talked to you and you kicked me right away. You've turned another way again, though, and some of those kicks are landing in the vicinity of my cervix, and that hurts. But not as much as labour, I now know, so I'll deal.

Keep moving and squirming and growing, okay? And rest too.

Love, mummy.
P.S. That weird occasional movement around you is called a Braxton-Hicks contraction. It's just basically the uterus working out for later stuff. If you're a girl, you may choose to get pregnant (hopefully all your bits will be okay) and then you'll know all about them; probably like me you will start to mistake them for labour as they get worse, until you really have labour and then you realize there's a huge difference between lifting a weight, and dropping it on your foot. If you're a boy you'll learn that "Braxton-Hicks" means "no I don't have to get my partner to the hospital yet."

~~

I'm achy and sore today, which I think is related to sleeping in one position for so long that I stiff when I woke up to my bladder's super-urgent wail, but could also be related to the crummy chair I sit in to type in the apartment, or to general weather, which is damp and rainy. My hip in particular is not grumbly and I'm really regretting that I didn't pursue that before I got knocked up again, although when I'm not knocked up it's not so bad.

I also got on the scale and although our scale here is somewhat crummy, I think the lack of weight gain is over - in fact I think I've gained 4-5 lbs in 3 weeks, which is a bit err - fast. (I also think you can see it in my face, this gain... sigh.)

But it's good. The nutritionist couldn't see any obvious reason I wasn't gaining weight so I think it really was the 'flu that caused issues, and maybe not quite hitting the caloric highs we should be. (She suggested a bit more protein, which I added in. I secretly thought that was overkill, but you know, despite food obsessions and reading nutritional stuff at work and at home, I am so not a pre-natal nutrition expert.)

I can slow down now - I've been eating *quite* a lot, really almost 4 meals a day, plus dessert at least once a day (okay, not the recommended way to gain weight but, you know, I am weak - someone says 'gain weight' and my first thought is gelato!) - enough that I haven't really wanted to create a permanent record anywhere 'cause it just looked ew, and I think if I just get back to normal we'll have clear sailing. Go us.

Emotionally I feel a little strange today. In working on my novel I had a spike of irrational jealousy that my character's daughter is still alive and okay, something I hadn't felt since oh, last May or so when I was working on it for the first time since Emily died. So I tried thinking "well, that will never change for Emily, but soon there will be witch baby to hold and watch grow." But no, I don't really believe that. I feel increasingly connected to witch baby, but only as long as s/he is inside me.

I guess that makes sense, given the history. But it's weird. I also wonder if it will change once we get past the magic 30-32 week span. Probably not.