Bruiser

My baby is a hurting-me!

He's elbowing and kneeing, I would bet. Whatever it is, he keeps pushing around my navel, really hard. I push him back and he withdraws. Then at some random interval of seconds later, he pushes again. Hello, boy-child, the exit is down...

... except please don't start this there!

Now that I know he's fundamentally okay, this is amusing again and not causing me to worry he's burning too many calories or something.

Having a child is so intimate. I don't understand sexually abusing kids - I really don't, because although I can appreciate the beauty of children and even marvel at the way, at some ages, they flirt and preen and test their skills out on you, I never really find it hits any of my lust buttons - and it is always a profound relief to me that I don't. But I can see why there is a sort of physical bond between parent and child, particularly I guess, mother and child. This kid is inside me, all of him, and then he will come out and nurse, and we will spend hours skin to skin and I'll learn every inch of him. And for years it will be that way.

And then he'll withdraw, get more independent - and it will be my job (shared with his father) to back off and teach him boundaries. Good ones. Respecting women's privacy ones, and all kinds. Eventually he will hide from me in his own adolescent shame and the idea of me having sex with his father (or anyone) will revolt him and although I hope I will remember to wish for him an amazing sex life (that is respectful and loving as well) I imagine that the idea of him having sex will on some level disturb me as well. And his body will be a mystery again, because I won't have seen the changes in the same way.

And for now he plays with the insides of me. And apparently, the scent of our shared amniotic fluid on his hands will act as a guide for him coming out, reminding him of the scent of me and helping him to root for my breast (although we are not planning to make him make the journey all on his own, oh no). And then we'll start the dance of food and comfort, combined with separation and exploration.

It's mindbending.