day four

(today's & the backdated birthstory post on the 21st brought to you courtesy of noah, who had a good sleep on my arm at my desk)

dear noah,

today is your fourth day of life! i'm typing this one handed because you're snuggled into my left arm, your hand spread across your face as if you're saying moooooooooommmm why are you making me listen to raffi. (because. although if asked i will claim i'm trying to teach you about mornings vs. nights.) you're sound asleep after a 6:45 feed, but it was short so i know already that chances are you'll wake up in 45 minutes for another. you do long feeds now, but not every time.

we're still getting the hang of this feeding thing, you and i. the boobs are cooperating madly, already puffed up with transitional milk. but we still miss our latches sometimes and i have a bruise from the time i coughed when you clamped down in the wrong spot on the nipple. my boobs seem twice as big as your head, sometimes.

you've changed so much already. you work on lifting your head already and can throw yourself on your side - although you did that in the delivery room after they weighed you on that nasty scale. when you're sleeping or drowsy you cycle through your faces - smiles, frowns, and right when you're full and warm and deep asleep, a drunk sailor look. you've learned to grip with your thumb too, in your fist - that was new yesterday. you climbed up your father's body to see if his earlobe might not be a boob in disguise.

i've learned a lot too. i was surprised at how clumsy i was and still sometimes am, learning to hold you and my boob, or passing you around, or getting you into the carseat. it's physical learning for me, too. i got stuck on the bed in a bad feeding position two nights ago, but you had such a perfect latch and were so hungry that i held it as long as i could, my body getting all shaky because those stretched out abs just couldn't do it. then i was tired out myself and cranky at your next feed, just the way you are when you lift your head too much. i learned to slow down & get comfy, myself.

you've started to open those blue eyes of yours more and more. at first you couldn't coordinate nursing and looking, but now you sometimes do both. you look confused and overwhelmed when you look around and it tires you out. but to me sometimes i fancy there *you* are, beyond the instincts, and i love to be one of the fuzzy things you see.

what amazes me about you is how strong and healthy you are. i was braced for something awful to happen, esp. with your low birth weight. at the very least i thought you would be colicky or deaf or have some mysterious rash, but so far you are even more than fine. you like the deep nighttime for new things, maybe because you were born then. in the mornings you sleep more and in the evening you gradually get fussy.

lying skin to skin with you is the best drug ever.