More of a real entry

Or not, depending how long my momentarily energized mood lasts. I'm trying to keep sitting upright for an hour after finishing dinner, because that helps with heartburn. Oh yes, pregnancy is such a physical process.

So Noah and I have been playing the Kegel game for much of the day! When I do the Kegel pelvic floor muscle exercises, it squeezes him, because he's riding low today, and then he squirms and kicks me while I try to continue to do the Kegels. Perhaps when he is 21 I'll bring this up, but until then I'm afraid it might impact on his sexual development. :)

It is kind of mind bending to have a boy inside me. I mean obviously that's where boys come from, but for some reason it seemed to make more sense to have a girl inside. I don't know why. Some strange little prejudice lurking back in there. But I've come to enjoy the whole idea of it, somehow. Tomorrow we see him on the ultrasound tv again and hopefully get some good weight numbers. If they're pitiful then life may change rather quickly. At least I got some laundry done.

I've also been having more and more Braxton-Hicks and there are other signs we're moving towards labour, slowly. If I remember right, with Emily, this is where I started to worry a lot about mucus plugs and amniotic fluid. Now I sort of think we have that bit down - not only have I seen a mucus plug but I know that amniotic fluid is not the same as being a bit wet. It's funny to be informed and still completely flipped out. One thing I think about a lot is that we never really had the early labour stage with Emily - either I slept through it or it was confused with the stomach flu I had or I just didn't have it. So might I have it this time? How stressful would that be?

I don't think too hard about the end of labour. First because in order to continue to propagate the species I think it's important to forget. But also because that inevitably leads to that fresh grief about Emily. It's entirely predictable, but still a lot to experience, that all this just makes that fresher and worse. It will be interesting to be stuck between that and the baby blues and, hopefully, the joy and terror of a live child, all at once. Maybe it's not such a bad thing to be forced to slow down and rest now.

For now, it's just hard not to talk about Emily a lot. A lot. I'm sure if I gave in all the time I would start to sound really - repetitive, with a touch of drama. But not only am I - are we - still spinning to process a lot of that, especially as feelings come through our body that are so similar, but there's this determination underneath that she not be forgotten. A lot of people have been playing along with - for? - us, that this is a normal sort-of first pregnancy. And that is a gift of its own kind: the gift of space. But sometimes it oppresses me and I insert Emily's name into the conversation or I talk about the last time. Don't forget her, my baby girl.

Then my guilt goes the other way and I think I should be thinking about Noah! What if all this grief and stress is what's affecting our weight gain?

I even resorted to meditation on the theme of "grow, my child, grow." Since I don't meditate much, it was fairly pathetic, but perhaps the trying counts.

I've also begun re-reading parent books like mad - the Mother of All Baby Books and Dr. Spock and I have flipped through "What to Expect in the First Year." Hope, I suppose, or sheer fear. I only bathed Emily after she was gone; how do you manage it when they're wriggling? How will I know everything's okay? I'd like all the answers please, preferably with a cheat sheet and some bullet points.

I get the feeling that it will be like this for - oh - ever: please let the things I can't control be okay followed by please let me be good enough at the things I can and help me out here 'cause I sure can't always fucking tell the difference.