noah's birth story

so we got down to the hospital, after having to come back because i left my wallet with hospital, health cards, and all id, at home. but i had my ipod with my labour songs playlist the whole time!

the contractions weren't much worse, but they hooked me up to the monitor anyway. it was really reassuring to hear the baby's heartbeat. the contractions were weak little blips & the resident pretty much said we'd be going home, but she'd do an internal first to check it out. all that took 'til about 9:15.

then when she did she got a funny look and said cheerfully: you're 3 cm dialated and i could break your membranes right now! (i think i flinched:)). so we were admitted and in a delivery room by 10 & back on a monitor. we had the option to walk around in the lobby instead but i said no.

we were assigned a nurse and she went over dr. seaward's instructions with me and also over all the history. she, like most ppl at mt. sinai, didn't really believe me about what happened in the labour but she humoured carl & i. she also pointed out that dr. seaward had said that we could only have *one* variable decel (up until pushing) before we'd have a c-section, and she said it would be good to be mentally prepared for a c-section, given both that and my weak contractions, which were barely showing on the tape. it sort of hit me that things were really happening, then, and that we wouldn't just be going home. it took that long.

we were getting a little freaked out at that point, that tensing feeling as people brace for disaster.

the resident came in & checked the tape a lot, for about an hour. like every 20 min. there were scarcely any contractions at all and around 11 she brought an intern in to rupture the membranes. to everyone's surprise i was at 4 cm. they had a terrible time - both of them, by turns - apparently the sac was really tough, which for some reason struck me & amber as a badge of honour (we were in that deadpan humour phase I get into when i feel really threatened) . But they managed, and, whoosh, the waters flooded out. the resident said 'wow, you just went to 5 cm.'

noah hadn't dropped yet, and the resident did a really funky (if painful) thing; she and the nurse worked to push him down with the water to a lower station, trying to make sure no hand got caught. i got the idea they weren't fooling around, like they intended to actually get the baby out. unlike east general where they kept leaving us be for an hour at a time.

then the real transition contractions hit, hard, 2-3 minutes apart. the nurse asked me right away if i wanted an epidural. i said i wasn't sure - i was scared it would slow labour down. then she said she would suggest having one right then, because she had already seen one variable decel (which i missed) and then the c-section could be an awake one rather than under general. so i said ok, do it.

then the monitor lost the baby's heartbeat for a few seconds and i had a huge flashback, full body, to emily's labour. when i got with it enough to say anything, the resident was already in the room to put a scalp monitor on. when she did noah's heart rate went up to 180 and i really thought he would just die then - i was in that traumatized reactionary state where all of life is one big repetition of the original.

(it was actually a good reaction to the pinch, but a little unusual. he came back down to 135.)

the first anesthesiologist came in (now about midnight) and did all the med history questions, which i was having a lot of trouble answering in the midst of transition, & gave us the warnings about side effects and rare complications. i knew all that but it freaked me out anyway, esp. after the monitor incident - i really felt that trust abyss where emily died of 'rare' things, in a hospital, & i almost said no but the pain was adding to my incentive to say yes, so we went ahead.

i was fully dialated 20 min after they broke the sac, and the speed of it made me nauseous.

then we hit the dark night of labour: i had to sit on the edge of the bed & not move during contractions while she (for those of you who don't know) first froze the site & then stuck a huge needle & catheter down my spine. they were so hard it was hard not to push. she couldn't get into my epidural space & had to call in the other anesthesiologist & i just *flipped* that i was going to get one of these complications, in between hard contractions where i still could not move. carl was amazing at talking me & us down, by focusing on breathing & his hand, which i was bruising.

in hindsight i am *so* glad to have been at a hospital where the anesthesiologist just called for backup rather than getting into an ego thing. but at the moment she did, i panicked.

it took two more tries for the second anesthesiologist to get it in, and my poor back remains all bruised up, but it went. the pain came down and i got on my back & the obstetrician came in and said 'let's have a baby.' i was on one level just completely floored that anyone was actyally *there* to like, help. but i was still freaked & said i wasn't sure i could push. the ob asked me why & i said because i was remembering strangling my daughter. again the blank mt. sinai reaction - what and odd idea, nevermind that it -happened-. so she explained that was impossible.

ok, whatever, but i was on my back by then so there was no time to get into it. the ob went down to the business end and said 'push into my fingers on the next contraction'. i could feel fine to push, and i guess and gotten good at it with emily. the first pushing and noah was past the spot where emily got stuck, and i was euphoric and told carl about 3 times that i *could* do it. 4 more and he was right out - took about 5 minutes. yay second deliveries. no episiotomy, just a little tear - no stitches.

he coughed and didn't cry and i said 'what's wrong?' and then he shrieked & it was the best. sound. ever. they delivered him to my belly and he calmed right down & started rooting, the little breast man. the nurse latched him on for me & he nursed for about an hour - they weighed him & stuff but my memory of when is a little fuzzy. he was -mad- about being weighed & actually flipped himself onto his side in a rage at which point the nurse said 'this is why you don't let go of them on the change table.'

it was both heartbreaking, the difference, and incredibly -right- to hold him and see him pink and breathing and, my god, sucking. we all cried loads. i am now thinking about it.

it was a good entry into the world.