Anxieties

I'm typing this sitting on the hardwood in our living room, with Noah on his new playmat next to me sleeping and soaking in the sun for his vitamin D and just to help with the last of his minorly jaudiced look. He really passed out - not surprising since neither of us got a whole lot of sleep last night, and this morning we were at the doctor's, although he slept in the car.

The news was mixed. Not a lot of weight gain since Monday, although there's some question about scales and whether that means anything... the bottom line is he probably won't quite make his birth weight for Sunday, which would be the ideal. I see why people give up on the breastfeeding, now - not only are we still working out supply and demand so my breasts are alternately full and sore or empty and sore from loads of nursing - but I would give a *lot* to be able to *see* the intake. And the quality of milk.

I feel scared and hopeless and dream during my catnaps that he's starving, and in Emily's grave.

But he's still okay at this point and we go back Tuesday. it seems far away. Damn long weekend.

Noah's hip is still an issue: it's clicking and my family doctor decided we should get an ultrasound. Unfortunately Sick Kids was booked for a month and guess where we ended up? East General. Sigh. But an ultrasound's pretty non-invasive and so tomorrow we'll go down for it. I suspect it will be a really hard day, but it was pretty easy decision to just take the appointment - if Noah needs it, it's doable. And it's good to know now if something's wrong, both for fixing it and so he doesn't have to go through dislocating it or anything like that, if it turns out that's a possibility.